Wednesday, March 28, 2012
ROMANTIC LOVE IS A POOR BASIS FOR MARRIAGE
A Research Paper
English 2- A3-3 (Writing in the Discipline)
English Department, CASS
MSU-IIT, Iligan City
Rabindranath S. Polito
Galeon, Christie Joy N.
Rico, Jarold Jay M.
Romantic love does not lead to a happy marriage.
A. Romantic love
B. Romantic love does not lead to a happy marriage (Thesis Statement)
II. Characteristics of Romantic Love towards marriage.
A. Romantic Love is just a strong physical attraction
1. Infatuation as sincere affection
2. Pitfall of Romantic Love
B. Romantic Love can lead to Broken Vow
1. Dishonest marriage
2. Frustration in Marriage
C. Romantic love is skill that can be developed.
Mostly, people considered love as an emotion; a mental state that a rises spontaneously rather than through conscience effort. To others, love can be considered a choice, a conscience effort (Dobransky, 2007, p.29). Love is the most important thing in our lives. But wrongly, we reduce it to parental love or to romantic love. Regarding romantic love, one dictionary tells us that it “implies an emotion that has little relation to thing as they should be ideally or from one’s conception of them as formed by literature, art, dreams , or the like” (Branden,2008,p.19). Romantic love is for grown-ups: it is not for children. Literally, it is not for children and also in the psychological sense; not for those who, regardless of the age, still experience themselves as children (Branden, p.16).
The youth tends to overlook the fact that romantic love is not necessarily true affection. In fact, it is more likely to be selfish than unselfish, although the individual may not be aware of it himself, for the human “heart is deceitful above all things (Dobransky, 2007, p.54).
Romantic love being based on the attraction that members of the opposite sex have for each other may be said to be a chemical reaction. That is due to the power of the sex hormones (Hirsh & Warlord, 2006, p. 34). They feel the romance and the sweetness of one’s partner. Once the couple started to base their relationship to romantic love they tend to exaggerated in a way they will plan to get married. Ideally, they may expect marriage to something that just happens. The couples expect to be carried along with the tide of things into a haven of intimacy…just accidentally. Without difficulty, work, or thought (Gayares, 2011, p.225).
Issues today are that many marriages fail to bring happiness. According to Quilliam (n.d.), that it is no doubt in many instances because the pair had banked too much on romantic love. In other words, the dominating role of their coming together is the power of sex attraction. Thus, it will lead to the failure of the marriage. On the other hand, a happy marriage is entirely possible without romantic love and more people are getting married for other reasons rather than love now (Quilliam, p.98).
Statement of the Problem
Romantic love is a poor basis for marriage at early stage, if there is no stability, especially economically; fights and discussions suddenly transform into divorce, love in hate and the other person unbearable (Hirsch & Wardlow, 2006, p. 127). This could explain why most couple at some point in their relationship experience difficulties and moments of doubts. For some, the eventual decision is to separate.
This study aims to explain and prove the argument that romantic love does not lead to a happy marriage. This study also wants to answer the following questions:
1. Why Romantic Love is just a strong physical attraction?
2. How can romantic Love lead to broken vow?
3. How Romantic Love called a skill?
Significance of the Study
Though this study the researchers were able to prove that romantic love does not lead to a happy marriage. That romantic love is just a strong physical attraction, a way to a broken vow and it is a skill that can be developed. This study is very beneficial to those who are planning for a union because it may guide them for a better marriage. This study is also helpful to those divorced couple in order for them to determine or acknowledge that romantic love should not only be considered in a relationship.
Romantic Love being a physical attraction
It is infatuation that is blind. It sees only what it wants to see and so attributes virtues to one looking in virtue and unselfishness to one that is selfish (Hirsch & Wardlow, 2006, p.12). But before having an infatuation it starts with first impression, upon the first meeting of a person. First impression usually lasts, and goes a long way on directing the future of relationships. Appearances are basically important and most individual based their affection by the physical features of a person. This affection then leads to having a crush to someone. Where a crush is a burning desire to be with someone whom you find very attractive and extremely special. Thus, having a crush will turn into infatuation. And this infatuation is easily mistaken as love. Most people thought they are in love but actually they are just experiencing infatuation. The infatuation that the person feels will be considered as sincere affection.
Infatuation as sincere affection is commonly mistaken by majority. This sincere affection might lead to love. Someone may think about him/her nonstop, by that it makes someone’s heart beats faster, the feeling of excitement when the person is around and the longing when they are not around. But this is not sincere affection or love. Because when you have been with a person for a while you will notice that they are nowhere near as perfect as you thought they are then here comes the break up and infatuation fader. Actual love is quite different, love is when you may not feel strongly about somebody but you still love them as a person and what they bring to your life that romantic love can lead to the pitfall of infatuation (Quilliam, n.d., p.73).
The emotional nature of romantic love is that there is another major weakness of romantic love, it is primarily emotional. It is almost totally centered. As teen said about love,” oh that is a feeling that you feel when you have a feeling you has not felt before” (Hirsch & Wardlow, p.63). So, the collapsed of love sends the couples into emotional turmoil. Hurt, anger and frustration, these are the common feelings that couples felt when they are heartbroken. According to Branden (2008), that the idea of love being a happening is a major fault of romantic love (p.153). The person is gripped by powerful emotions and the vision is dramatically distorted. A basic deficiency of romantic love is its idealistic nature where romantic love has a way of coloring everything it touches. That is why the couples tend to expect too much in their relationship. They fantasized and go beyond reality resulting to pitfalls of romantic love. Whether intentionally or not, love seduces couples into making serious demands. Romantic love often does not lead to happy marriage; on the other hand, a happy marriage is entirely possible without romantic love (Quilliam, n.d., p.98).
Romantic Love leading to a Broken Vow
Marriage can bring with it ever so many satisfying rewards and much happiness. Generally, single persons, young and not so young, look forward to a happy marriage (Dobransky, 2007, p.29). Many people believed that romantic love concealed being a sincere affection that is why most couples are eager to approach marriage that let them decide to propose to their love ones. Unfortunately, they believed that they will have a perfect marriage because of romantic love as sincere affection.
Living within the belief that they are perfectly matched because of romantic love, they then realize that it is not enough to be their basis. They will found out that they do not like certain attitude or characteristics their partner has. Certain flaws will be seen towards each other and gives them reason to argue some issues. They will just be found themselves living in a dishonest marriage or broken vow. According to Hirsch and Wardlow (2006), that most couples at some point of their relationship experience difficulties and moments of doubts, that for some couples the eventual decision is to separate. Nowadays, divorce is really popular among famous celebrities. For example: Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt, Drew Barrymore and Tom Green, as well as Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. All of these couples decided to have divorce because they had insecurities and misunderstanding with the traits their partner has.
Basically, if romantic love was all you need, almost all marriages could occur within the first 2 months when relationships are the easiest (Dobransky, p.105). This just means that the sweetness of a couple would just last at the first two months of their staying with each other. There is a tendency among people to consider love, especially romantic love, as a product of the frustration of one of its elements- the desire. It is the sexual appetite towards ones partners. This desire when blocked generates not enough to consider just romantic feeling for marriage will now come in their thoughts. They will be frustrated of the effect on getting married considering insufficient aspect of love.
Romantic Love being a skill that can be developed
“Romance is an important trait to have with a mate, but there are other things that needs to be establish on top of romance” (Quilliam, n.d., p.72). In love there is a need to establish values like respect, solidarity, honesty, patience, loyalty, and friendship complemented with communication trust and most important: passion and stability, which are the ingredients needed to have a sweet and never ending happy marriage. Once these things are made, there would be a better harmony between the lovers. Indeed, it could avoid misunderstanding and great view on the good qualities that each of them has.
Before everything comes to marriage it would first and foremost starts with courtship. It includes the couple going out together in public (often known as dating), for a meal, movie, or any social activity. Courtship is the period in a couple’s relationship which precedes their engagement and then the marriage, or establishment as an agreed relationship of a more enduring kind.
Courtship is a skill that can be easily learned. But not all people are confident enough to court somebody. Sometimes they are just too shy to express their feelings. These days, courting is express in many ways and it is that like in the past where it can be seen so much effort in it. Moreover, romantic love is also a skill that can be developed. Romance is just like courting; it is a very famous trait in a relationship and can make the partner head over meets or fall in love to their partner. Romance depends on the person doing it; he/she can develop this romance in order for ones partner to be seen as love. That is why marriage should not be based upon the romantic love. It is a skill that often fools the eye of the couples, and end up hurting their feelings.
Summary of Findings
After analyzing the study, the researchers found out the following:
1. Romantic Love is just a strong physical attraction because it is an infatuation. Infatuation is commonly mistaken by the majority as a sincere affection. It is a strong physical attraction because appearances are basically the most important that most individual based their affection towards a person.
2. The Romantic love can lead to broken vow because according to Hirsch And Wardlow (2006), that most couples at some point in their relationship experienced difficulties and moments of doubt that for some couples the eventual decision is to separate (p. 39).
3. Romantic Love is a skill that can be developed because romanced is just like courting where it can easily be learned. It can be expressed in many ways, nowadays and it is not hard enough not like in the past where you can see so much effort in it. Romance depends on the person doing it; he/ she can an develop this romance in order for ones partner to be seen as love.
Regarding about the study, the researchers realized some implications. After reading this article, people would be enlightened about certain facts about marriage. As a matter of fact the couple would acknowledge that romance in a relationship would not be a better basis for marriage. In a successful marriage, partners should have the true love which means that they should have respect, trust, patience, and have better decisions about certain problem. It is a matter of choice that both partners should agree and take a stand in their chosen answer. It implies that it is better to get to know each other well before deciding into a higher stage in their relationship which is the marriage.
Branden, Nathaniel. (2008). The psychology of romantic love: romantic love in an anti-romantic age.
Dobransky, Paul. (2007). The secret psychology of how we fall in love.
Gayares, M. J. (2011). Health and Home Marriage & money.
Hirsch, J. S. & Wardlow, Holly. (2006). The psychology of romantic love: romantic love in an anti-romantic age.
Quilliam, Susan. (n.d.). Staying Together from Crisis to Deeper Commitment.